I think we all struggle with feeling like that at certain times in our lives. We've all been the prodigal son at one point or another. And sometimes, that time when you feel so far from God is when He's doing the most work on your heart.
I've often heard people ask why bad things happen to good people. It's something we all question. We see a strong believer going through struggle after struggle and we want to know why. We feel like, as God's children, we deserve to be blessed, and when we face struggles we pout and stomp our feet like spoiled little kids. And sometimes, I think God has enough of that. Sometimes, He decides that we need to be put in time-out.
People will tell you that, as a Christian, you aren't supposed to focus on yourself. I understand where they get that belief. We are supposed to sacrifice our fleshly desires to do God's will. We are supposed to take up our cross daily and follow God's plan.
But God also makes it clear that we are supposed to know ourselves. We're supposed to reflect on our own actions, correct our mistakes, and admit our sins and failures to Him. Self-reflection is an important part of the Christian walk. If we don't spend time examining ourselves, we become hypocrites.
Matthew 7:1-5 says,
"Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye."
I haven't written much about God or the Bible lately. Mostly because there's a huge beam in my eye, and to write about God and His plan and how to be close to Him feels hypocritical. I'm in a time-out right now.
I'm at a time in my life that I never prepared for. I never thought I would be this age and still be living at home. I thought that by the time I was in my mid-twenties, I would be finished with college, have a job that I was passionate about, be married to the love of my life, and have a few kids. That was my plan. And it didn't happen.
I've spent a lot of time pouting about that. I've cried and I've stomped my feet and crossed my arms over my chest and stuck my bottom lip out as far as it would go. Everybody else kept telling me to just be patient. God's just taking His time preparing the perfect guy for you, they'd say. They were trying to help, but that just made it worse. Because God was not telling me that.
One well-meaning person told me to read the story of Jacob and Rachel. "God's writing your love story, just like He wrote theirs," she said. I read that story. And I didn't feel like Rachel. I felt like Leah. She never got a love story. She never had a man tell her that she was beautiful. She never had a husband who loved her and cared for her. The only person who ever loved her was God.
I've studied the Bible for most of my life. I've studied doctrine. I've read dozens of Christian books, and I've listened to Christian music, and I've watched Christian movies. I've listened to sermons and taken notes and felt God speak directly to me. And never once has He promised the fairy tale romance that I want.
In the movie Facing the Giants, there's a moment where Coach Grant (the main character) asks his wife, who desperately wants a child, "If God never blesses us with children, will you still love Him?" She is completely overwhelmed with grief at that question and can't answer. I know how she feels. A few years ago, I was watching that movie one night, and I felt like God was asking me, "If I never bless you with a husband, will you still love me? Am I enough for you?"
I know in my heart that the answer to the question is supposed to be yes. But completely giving up that dream is something that I just haven't been able to do yet. I know that God is enough for me. He's blessed me more than I deserve. And if He chooses not to bless me with the gift of marriage, I know I'll survive. But I'm not ready to give up that dream. Because life isn't like the movies. In the movie, when she finally tells God that He's enough, she finds out that she's pregnant. She gets what she wanted. But life doesn't always work that way.
I struggled with that for almost two years. I went to the altar every time I was at church. I cried. I begged God to show me His plan. If He didn't want me to be married, I wanted to know why. I wanted to know what His reason was. I wanted something else to take the place of the dream that He was asking me to give up.
I finally got to the point where I was completely broken. And I told God that I trusted Him. I told Him that He was enough for me. I felt relieved, but at the same time, I felt like someone had died. That dream that I'd had for my entire life had just died. The possibility of spending my life alone became very real. I trusted God, but I was so scared. I didn't know what I was supposed to do with my life.
A few months later, with that wound still fresh, I started started talking to a guy who I had always cared about. I'd had a crush on him since high school. He was perfect. When we first started seeing each other, I was happier than I ever remembered being. This guy, who I had always liked, liked me. He wanted to spend time with me. He wanted to talk to me and he cared about what I was saying. I walked around with a stupid grin on my face for hours after I talked to him or saw him. I thought he was the answer to my prayers. I thought that God had decided that since I'd been faithful, He was going to let me have what I'd always wanted.
But I wasn't spiritually prepared for a relationship. I had spent so much time wanting a boyfriend, that I took this guy and put him up on a pedestal. I fell in love with him fast, and I fell hard. He took up all of my time. He quickly became the most important thing in my life. That's when this season of feeling far from God began.
All through the time when I was struggling with what I felt like God was asking me to give up, I felt His presence. I felt Him there. But the more time I spent with this guy, the less I felt God. It's not that the guy was a bad person. He's a good man. He has his flaws, just like everyone else. The problem was that I tried to make this guy my entire world. I started to worship him. I let him become my priority.
God is a jealous God. He doesn't want us to put anything above Him. We shouldn't. It's idol worship, and it's a sin. It's a sin that I have committed. And because of it, I lost a lot of things that were precious to me. I lost that guy, the one I loved and cared so much about. I lost my dignity. I did a lot of things that I'm not proud of because I was chasing after this guy. I lost my parents' trust. I lost my freedom. I lost my joy. And I lost the close relationship that I had built with God.
Don't get me wrong here - I don't believe that you can just lose your salvation. I haven't lost my salvation. But I neglected my relationship with God, and I lost that close connection with Him. I want to get it back. The greatest thing about our God is that He forgives. He will take me back, no matter what. I am so thankful that He does that. I'm so unworthy of His love and His grace and mercy.
I wish that I could end this post with a great inspirational story about how everything is perfect now, but that wouldn't be the truth. The truth is, I still have a beam in my eye. God is still working on me. My relationship with Him is still in need of being rebuilt. The consequences for my sins and mistakes are going to hang around for a long time.
My heart is broken. I still love this guy, and my relationship with him is completely messed up and I don't know if it can be fixed. I may never get my parents' trust back. I have failed my family in lots of ways. I have put my future in jeopardy because I lost sight of what was really important.
But I know that God heals. He's the only One who can fix this mess that I've made. The lessons that I've learned during this time, when He's felt so far away, are lessons that I'll carry with me for the rest of my life. I've learned that you're never good enough to be exempt from sin. I've learned that anyone can fall. I've learned that judging people is never right. I've learned that love is more than just a feeling. I've learned that just because you love someone doesn't mean they're going to love you back. I've learned that even good people do bad things. I've learned that I need God. I am broken and damaged and sinful. I am nothing like the good little church girl people think I am. I need forgiveness. I need mercy. I need redemption.
I'm one of God's children. Sometimes, a parent has to punish a child. Hebrews 12:6-7 says, "For whom the Lord loveth He chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom He recieveth. If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?"
God loves me. And because He loves me, He has put me in a time-out. And it's up to me to make sure that I learn something from it.
"Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby." Hebrews 12:11
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